Eat, Pray, Love. And Work.: Love

Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Pray, Love: Birthdays, Control Issues and Dogs

As of the stroke of midnight, we are two months away from Lily’s 4^th birthday. She is chomping at the bit, I am excited about planning and Doug is looking forward to a cute little party while praying we don’t get too carried away. I come from a family of birthday people, where we make a big deal every year and sit around and comment on each gift as we open them all one by one. Birthdays are a big deal whether you are eight or 88, but there is a special kind of excitement in those single digit years.

For the past three birthdays, I have had the luxury of controlling Lily’s birthdays.

The first year, of course, she had no opinion. She was just pleasantly surprised when she had new toys wrapped up in paper and completely ecstatic when we plopped a giant hunk of cake in front of her face.

The second year she had preferences, but at almost two her concept of time was not unlike that of an armadillo. I wanted to celebrate her love for Minnie Mouse and make it fun for me, too. She showed up for the party and, for the most part, she liked it. Always a bit eccentric, she hated opening gifts, but was totally on board for the cake.

The third birthday brought a little more of her involvement, but I was still making the big decisions. I knew I wanted a circus theme, so I spent lots of time playing up the circus we attended and crafting a party around the thing she had been trained to love. I spent the months leading up to these birthdays making one-of-a-kind invitations and decorations, having more fun planning the parties than an adult really deserves.

Four is different. Four is really different. I spent the latter part of the summer up to my old tricks, working on convincing my very strong-willed child that her favorite things just happened to match the things I had pinned on my Pinterest board. Some may call it manipulation and I am really okay with that. I had a great idea for a train birthday party after she fell in love with the trackless train ride at her end of school party. I had grand dreams of train whistle favors tied with pretty ribbon, a little bit tomboy with a touch of femininity, little sandwiches shaped like trains and birthday pictures on an old caboose. I even spent time in the hot Texas summer riding around with her on local trains and she loved them, but not enough to trump her idea of a dream birthday party.

My daughter, you see, has fallen madly in love with “Tangled”, the Disney movie telling the story of a very tough Rapunzel who knocks people out with a frying pan and swings through the air using her hair. What little girl wouldn’t love that? She wants a princess castle moonwalk, a tower cake and lots of friends there to help her celebrate. She also wants to release floating lanterns into the sky and, although I am reasonably sure my explanation of drought conditions and the danger of setting the town on fire are above her head, she seems to understand that the lantern release is not part of the plan. I think it’s going to be a great party and I guess it’s now time that I get on board with what Lily wants; it is her birthday, after all. I mean, I did the hard part of actually giving birth, but I have no 19-hour labor story to use for leverage. Easy C-sections don’t count.

Letting go of party planning is not easy for a control freak like me. Thinking about the control I will be relinquishing over the rest of her childhood and adolescence is even more overwhelming. I love being a mom and I love having things just so, but I have to remind myself that the object of this whole raising kids thing is to have a mature child who can leave the nest as a confident, independent adult. It’s a daunting task, but I will just keep relinquishing a little control at a time and setting the boundaries where they matter.

I can let her have a Tangled birthday party while drawing the line at releasing lanterns containing actual fire into the skies of drought-stricken Central Texas.

I can let her choose her clothing while teaching her it is entirely inappropriate to wear pajamas and cleats to church or school. Note: I do reserve the right to drop certain pieces of clothing off at Goodwill at 3 am if the teaching becomes too challenging.

I can let her choose her favorite flavors of juice at the store while teaching her that the artificially fruit-flavored drinks are a waste of calories.

I look back at the best memories of my childhood, and many of them involved my parents setting boundaries while allowing me to make decisions and feel independent and strong. Quite honestly, it was a lot like the invisible fence where the dog wears the special collar and won’t go past the invisible boundary while not fully understanding why. Then one day I did not need my special collar anymore. I knew the boundaries and I appreciated them. Sure, I forgot my training a few times and nearly was hit by a car or two, but the training was always there. I hope I can do the same for Lily.

And only after midnight can we jump from birthdays to control issues to the numerous ways humans are like dogs. You’re welcome.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

And the MRI Results Are In....

When my doctor's office called on Thursday and told me my MRI results were in, I was beyond ready to find out what they were. They did not tell me the results over the phone, as they usually do when a result is completely normal, so I figured there must have been something found. On the other hand, they did not ask me to immediately come in for a consultation, so I figured my brain would not be exploding at any given moment. They scheduled me to come in the next Tuesday, which happened to be today, so I went home and began the feverishly searching Google for updates on my demise.

My doctor probably thought I was pretty smart, because today I was pretty much an expert in the pituitary gland and its role in the endocrine system. I have slept thousands and thousands of times since my last biology class, so the free Google refresher course was pretty helpful. Of course, Google has a way of leading a person to health message boards, which are notorious for people who thrive on sharing their peculiar medical conditions. Sure, I read about a few average cases, but who isn't intrigued by the pituitary tumor wrapped around the carotid artery or the woman who became blind when a pituitary tumor pressed on her optic nerve?

So anyway, on to the results. Today I found out that I have a 6x6x7mm tumor on my pituitary gland. It is an adenoma, benign, and there is no way to know how long it has been there. The gland itself is about 1 cm in diameter, the size of a pea, so my 6mm tumor is a little more than half the size of the gland. My tumor is not perfectly round, but it has what seems to be a very awesome tail to keep things more interesting. I am thinking of the tail as a mullet of sorts, just to keep a little party in the back. The symptoms associated with it have been with me for at least 15 years, but it seems it is medically impossible to conceive a child with a pituitary adenoma large enough to inhibit FSH and LH production. Since I did conceive a pretty awesome child 4.5 years ago, it would make perfect scientific sense for this tumor to have formed after Lily was conceived. We'll never really know, but I have dealt with amenorrhea and an annovulatory system since I was about 20 years old. Figuring that in, there is no "logical" explanation for how we got Lily, but I am so glad we did.

It might sound a little crazy to be thankful for a tumor diagnosis, but I am actually pretty pleased with it. No, I am not a hypochondriac. I generally have to be convinced I am sick. I have thrown up in some very public places in attempts to convince myself and those around me that I was perfectly well.

Really, though, finding what is actually going on is a wonderful thing, and here are a few of the reasons why:

I will not be having my ovaries drilled. As excited as I was about marching into the surgery center wearing a "Drill, Baby Drill!" t-shirt and carrying a "Let My People Drill" poster, I am pretty relieved that I will not be undergoing surgery. I am bummed that I won't be getting those days of relaxation that follow the surgery, but avoiding anesthesia and the pain of recovery is a pretty good trade off.
I found out this pituitary adenoma has affected my prolactin levels, making them very low. This might sound dramatic, but one of things that caused me the most anguish was breastfeeding. I had read hundreds of pages in books, spent an entire Saturday in a pricey breastfeeding class, went through three lactation consultants, rented a hospital grade pump and tried every home remedy known to man. I just did not produce much milk. Instead of sleeping while my baby slept, I was pumping away to no avail. To be honest, I had always been able to achieve pretty much everything in life I had worked for, and there had been few things in life I was willing to work as hard for as breastfeeding. I kept trying and trying and prayed that no soul would ask me how it was going. According to my medical records, my prolactin levels have been off for a long time. I am finally letting myself off the hook on my breastfeeding failure, and it is pretty cathartic.
The size of my tumor is pretty significant, but not so much that they will be cutting through any tissue to take it out. It is large enough to cause some major hormonal upheaval, but small enough that I won't need surgery. Every time I dodge the surgery bullet I am pretty happy camper.
I finally know why I don't ovulate. That is huge. Knowing the "why" provides a path to the "how." My physician has a laid out some great options for us. After I follow up with an endocrinologist (my genius doctor is a reproductive endocrinologist), I will receive injectable gonadotropins to induce ovulation. My condition is rare, but my doctor has a 100% success rate in dealing with it.

Most importantly, I have answers and I am so thankful for them. I have spent a lot of time in prayer during this time of trying to conceive a second child, and prayer naturally leads me to scripture. I have had the "barren" women of the Bible on my mind and heart and have found such empathy with them. Even as a child, reading their stories gave me a heavy heart, but during this time in my life I have begun identifying with them in even greater ways. I can feel their sadness, but most of all I can understand their unanswered questions. Even when I was vaguely diagnosed with PCOS, I knew there were some answers to be found in modern science. I could see my ovaries on an ultrasound screen. I could hope to benefit from modern medicine. I had answers and understanding of the complex reproductive system, while women like Sarah and Rachel and Hannah had to rely solely on the unseen. Because I have the blessing of modern medical science, I suppose I will never know how I would have handled my infertility journey without it. Of course, I do know one thing; my faith has made all the difference in my outlook and for that I am eternally grateful. I don't know what the future holds, but I know God's will is perfect. Tonight I take comfort in knowing that and in reflecting on a scripture that has led me through the best and worst of times.

"For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."

Jeremiah 29:11

Friday, August 2, 2013

Pray, Love: Slight Change of Plans

What a change a day can make! I will still be undergoing in the ovarian diathermy, but it looks like we will be waiting 2 weeks.

I have always worked to be a bit of an overachiever, but sometimes I really outdo myself. I met with my OB/GYN/RE today and he had spent a lot of time studying my labs. He found that my luteinizing hormone (LH) and my follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) are very low and based on these findings, it seems that we will be taking a slightly different approach.

Basically, PCOS can originate from two different factors. In the end, you have much of the same result as far as the effect on the ovaries and reproductive system. Because the factors causing the PCOS differ, the ways of treating the two types will differ also. About 95% of women with PCOS have peripheral factor PCOS, where the syndrome is ovarian in origin. The other 5% have central PCOS, where the amenorrhea originates from a central endocrine problem triggered by the hypothalamus and/or pituitary gland. My labs reflect a central origin and I will need to have an MRI to take a look at my hypothalamus and pituitary gland before I have the ovarian diathermy.

We will still move forward with the diathermy and injections in two weeks unless something really crazy shows up on the MRI. It will set things back a couple of weeks, but all in all it does not have a huge effect on our timeline.

Here are a few things I learned today:

Although the central factor PCOS is much more rare, my doctor actually has a higher success rate in helping couples dealing with this type of infertility.
I won't be getting that nap.
I am a little resentful that I had to do a pre-op phone call and tell someone how much I weigh. I have to do the call again in two weeks and will have to utter my weight again. Not cool.
People in waiting rooms are annoying. I was sitting in the waiting room with a couple obnoxiously speaking in a high volume whisper tone. My very loud 3 year-old's inside voice is quieter than the whispers these people were letting out and I had to work hard to maintain my composure. Suppressing your laughter for 30 minutes is very difficult. They got up and were replaced by gum popping couple. It was sort of like a SNL sketch, but much, much longer.
My new injection regimen will consist of FSH and LH, increasing the chance of multiples. Fortunately, my doctor will scan me daily during the injections to make sure we aren't getting too productive.
With the new likely diagnosis, my doctor is even more baffled that we have Lily. I am not sure how it can be scientifically explained that I ovulated for what might have been the only time in a 15 year period. I do know that I was earnestly praying and that she came at a time when we had significant loss in our family and she was a perfectly bright spot. What a special girl!

Thanks again to everyone for the prayers. That means more than you can ever know! I really struggled with the idea of making our infertility struggles public because I have never been the type to freely share my burdens with others. I had a couple of reasons for sharing. First of all, people naturally want to know if you are wanting another child or trying to have another child. I don't find it offensive when people ask, but when you reply by telling them you are struggling with infertility they naturally feel like they inserted their foot in their mouth. By being more up front and open about our struggles, I can save people that awkward feeling. The second reason I decided to share this struggle was to ask for prayers, because "the effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much." (James 5:16) Thanks so much for taking the time to pray for us!

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Pray, Love: And We Are Drillin'

Drilling.

Ovarian Drilling.

Whoa.

I remember when I first started researching PCOS and infertility and I came across a thread on a message board covering the topic of ovarian drilling. I cringed, mainly because that is what I do when I give any thought to medical procedures. The cringing only increases when that procedure has a barbaric word like "drilling" in the name. It sounded like an archaic procedure and one I would never have to worry about. After all, we are in the 21st century and have so many less invasive techniques available. Drilling. Why on earth would I let someone drill holes in my ovaries?

So anyway, I am having it done on Friday. By Friday, I mean the day after tomorrow.

About a month ago, I was sitting across from my incredibly intelligent reproductive endocrinologist discussing my pregnancy with Lily, from the ease of conception to the ease of being pregnant. We then began discussing the much bigger picture. I had ovulated one time in six years. I gave Femara a shot and only ended up with a whole lot of little follicles. I am not getting any younger. He sensed that I love information and he began sharing the history of PCOS diagnosis and let me watch really cool slide shows about FSH and LH production. He began telling me about an old procedure used 80 years ago where a doctor would take out a piece of the ovary of a woman with PCOS for diagnostic purposes and the woman would end up having regular ovulation. Over time, the surgery has become much more sophisticated but still has very desirable effects, particularly for women who have dealt with PCOS since the onset of puberty and for women who have not responded to drugs such as Clomid or Femara. The procedure is now done as an outpatient procedure, it is laproscopic and they use lasers to drill the holes. They also call it ovarian diathermy now, which sounds a lot better than drilling. In the end, there are still holes, but I sure do prefer the word diathermy. The success rate, when combined with some FSH injections, is high. I'm in.

I was planning to have it done later in the month of August, but at an appointment on Tuesday I found out there was an opening for Friday, 8/2. I took the opening and am hopeful and prayerful that this will help us complete our family.

To break it down without the use of acronyms like PCOS and FSH and LH, here are the key reasons I am doing ovarian drilling:

Doug and I desperately want another baby and my doctor feels like this is a great opportunity for success.
Lily needs a sibling. She is constantly bringing imaginary siblings into our lives and they have names like "Buh-LIE" and "Lore". She has chosen one of her baby dolls to be her baby brother and from time to time she tries to get him in trouble. She also attempts to make us feel guilty for neglecting our plastic baby. She will make a great big sister some day.
I need a nap. The way I understand it, I get to rest for like 3 days following this procedure.
I've always been a little curious about general anesthesia and how it would feel to be under. If I end up on YouTube while coming off the anesthesia, anyone responsible will not get to hold the baby I am hoping this surgery helps produce.
Ovarian diathermy has other medical purposes for me as well, so unlike most fertility treatment, this procedure is covered under insurance as an outpatient surgery.
I hear you get pictures from the surgery and, although my child is adorable, my Facebook needs something more exciting on the wall.
I have always avoided surgery like the plague, but the prospect of this helping us conceive a child makes it to great to pass up. Hannah was willing to promise God she would take her little boy and let him serve in the tabernacle, away from her, for the opportunity to bear a child (I Sam. 1 &2). What's a little drilling in comparison to that huge sacrifice?

I am going in on Friday and hope to have a smooth procedure, a speedy recovery and the positive outcome we so desperately want. Please keep us in your prayers as we take our next step in our journey to completing our family!

Monday, July 8, 2013

Love, Work: Treasure

It is Monday morning, 1 AM, the annoying alarm on my iPhone set to 5:45 AM, my adorable husband sleeping like a rock.

I can't sleep.

I could blame it on the relaxing Sunday spent with my family as Doug and I celebrated our 6th anniversary; he gave me some really sweet material gifts, but that afternoon nap was the best of all.

I could blame it on the hormonal craziness that is raging in my brain courtesy of the pills I am taking to ready my body for treatment for infertility.

I could blame on the action packed Monday coming my way. I would ordinarily be lying awake making a to-do list in my brain and looking forward to the challenges.

I could blame it on the late-afternoon coffee that followed my afternoon nap, but let's be real; I drink late-afternoon coffee on a fairly regular basis.

I think I will go ahead and blame it on the actual culprit. A four-day weekend is drawing to a close and I am not quite ready to get back to reality. We celebrated the 4th with cooking out, eating watermelon, watching fireworks and spending time together as a family. I enjoyed a wonderful holiday weekend. In my pre-mommy days, these long weekends left me refreshed and ready to conquer the world.

I had a little taste of life at home, with leisurely summer days spent with Lily. We read books. We ate outside. I slammed this big ol' 34 year-old body down onto a slip 'n slide and possibly sustained internal injuries. I made delicious meals without any temptation to open a convenience food. It was everything working moms dream of in their stay-at-home fantasies.

Sure, I realize that staying at home full-time is VERY different from a long weekend spent playing, but I don't want to let go of the joy of those days. The beauty of it is that I don't have to let go of the joy. As my mind races with memories of a great long weekend, I am reminded of scriptures that never took on their full meaning until I became a mother. I remember Mary, the mother of Jesus, and her memories of his childhood.

"But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart."

Luke 2:19

What would the joyful moments of life be without our memories? The smiles and giggles are always with me and I treasure them, pondering them in my heart.

And now I can sleep....

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Love: Personality Plus!

I LOVE personality tests. When I picked up one of the teen fashion/love/whatever magazines growing up, I always loved taking the quizzes. That carried over into my college years and in my communication major I had the pleasure of taking a lot of quizzes about myself. I now realize that, while knowing about my own personality is important, it is so much more important to know more about the personalities of those I love.

A lot of time and money has been spent on personality research with varying results; however, it is almost universally understood that different personality types have different needs. Those needs make it so much more important to know about the personalities of those we love. If we know their personality type and know what their needs are, we can make a conscious effort to give them what they need when we interact with them. I am always most interested in introvert vs. extrovert, especially considering I grew up very close to my introvert brother and then married an introvert. I am off the charts on extrovert, so opposites definitely attract!

A friend of mine posted a helpful quiz on Facebook today (thanks, Kimberly!) and I thought I would pass it along. It is a personality quiz based on the Myers-Briggs (an abridged version) and can tell us so much about ourselves. Here is a link to the test: http://kisa.ca/personality/

Once you have identified yourself or others in your life as introverted or extroverted, the information below should be helpful!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Pray, Love: Being Still

Still. Quiet. It's that special time of day when my husband and daughter are in bed and it is just me, reflecting on the day. I am so tired after a long day, but this quiet time is something I will gladly take advantage of in lieu of sleep. I spent years running from the quiet, but now I savor it.

This by no means makes me an introvert. I have taken the Meyers-Briggs personality type indicator many times beteween trainings for work and college classes. I have experienced some changes in some of my ratings, but I am always off the charts on the "E". The first indicator rates you as either an extrovert or introvert and my sky-high score as an extrovert leaves no doubt that I love people. I get my energy from being with others, my husband and daughter included, and I am a person who really needs people.

That being said, I am so thankful to sit in this quiet house and spend time in reflection and thought. I will give thanks for a Godly, hardworking husband. I will give thanks for an adorable child with a giant smile and sweet personality. I will give thanks for the caring family with which I have been blessed. I will give thanks for the faithful congregation of the Lord's church where we worship. I will give thanks a job I love, where my hard work is rewarded with a fullfilment in the work we do. I will be thankful for the quiet, a quiet that I have spent the better part of my life taking for granted, even hating at times. I will give thanks for God's word, for the wisdom it holds, and for the recollection God gives me of his word so that in times like these I can think on the things that matter.

"Be still, and know that I am God."

Psalm 46:10

Being a mother has brought me so many blessings. My heart has grown larger than I ever knew possible. My time has grown more valuable than I ever expected. My plate is more full than I ever imagined it could be. My life has more moments of joy than I realized could be fit in to a day. For me, motherhood has taught me to appreciate the "be still" part of that scripture. When I am still, I know God's blessings, providence and guidance. When I am still, I remember the blessings. When I am still, I know He is here in our midst. When I am still, I know that nothing in this world is as important as my relationship with Him, and that everything will fall into place when I am still and I know God.

My quiet time ends and I head off to bed with a clear mind and a full heart, ready to start a new day after a little bit of rest. I peek my head in for one last reminder of why those hectic days mean as much as the still and quiet and say one last prayer of thanksgiving for a full life.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Eat: Low Carb-friendly Taco Soup

There is so much conflicting information out there about PCOS, but one thing most everyone can agree with is that a diet low in simple carbohydrates can be helpful. This is a favorite low-carb recipe for our family! It doesn't hurt that it is one of the simplest recipes in my collection.

Taco Soup

1 lb lean ground beef or ground turkey
1 onion, chopped
1 tsp minced garlic
3/4 cup water + water as needed
1 Taco Seasoning packet or 3 TBSP of your favorite taco seasoning (Here's my favorite!)
2 cans Ro*tel tomatoes
2 cans black beans
1 (16oz.) package of frozen green beans (or fresh if you have them on hand)
Shredded Cheese (optional)
Diced Avocado (optional)

1. Brown meat with onion and garlic until meat is brown and onion is translucent.

2.Drain, if needed, then add taco seasoning and 3/4 cup water and cook over medium heat until water is nearly evaporated.

3.Pour the meat mixture into a large pot, then add the tomatoes and beans. If needed, add a little water to cover. Cover and cook on medium heat for 20-25 minutes, stirring occasionally.

4. Top with cheese and avocados, then enjoy!

This soup freezes well and reheats well. If carbs are of no concern to you, adding corn and tortilla strips or chips to the soup will make it extra tasty!

Love: Don Williams, Pop, Mi-mommy and Me

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.'
Berthold Auerbach

Overwhelmed, exhausted and yearning for the long lost carefree days of my childhood, I sped down the interstate. I turned on the radio, hoping to take a mental break en route to yet another stop on a very busy work day. I was looking for music, but instead I tuned in just in time for a commercial break; the commercial break, it turned out, was just what I needed. It was an advertisement for an upcoming concert with Don Williams at the historic Paramount Theatre and my mind began moving in a direction far from the stresses of the daily grind. I reached into my purse and pulled out my iPod, then put Don Williams on shuffle.

The music of Don Williams always takes me back to another place and time, a world without worry or insecurity or deadlines. Don Williams takes me back to two of the most important people in my life, two people who always made me feel safe, important and fearless.

When I heard Don Williams sing, I found myself in the backseat of a white Mercury Grand Marquis riding along with Pop and Mi-mommy, my maternal grandparents, to eat a catfish lunch and do a little shopping. They played Don Williams to get a rise out of me and I pretended to hate every song to get a rise out of them. As the years went by, I would pretend to hate the music even more and they would become more and more amused at my disdain for Don Williams. I would turn up my nose and they would turn up the music. Spending time out with them involved so much more than listening to country music; I always ended the day feeling like I could do anything in this world because my grandparents told me I could.

I found myself sitting on the carpet at my aunt’s house on Christmas Eve, 1992. I was opening my gifts and I kept eyeing the cassette-sized package from Pop and Mi-mommy. I had been asking for George Strait’s Pure Country album for months and I was pretty sure that underneath that paper was a cassette tape containing the songs from my new favorite movie. I saved it for last and I looked up and saw my grandparents grinning from ear to ear, eagerly waiting for me to open it. I ripped the paper, only to look down and see Don Williams’ face staring back at me. Disappointed, I looked back up at Pop and Mi-mommy and watched their grins become laughter, then looked back down at my “Don Williams” album only to realize they had taped a Don Williams insert over the Pure Country tape. I joined in the laughter, not understanding until much later just how much blessed I was to have grandparents who were vivacious, jovial and so in tune with me.

I found myself dancing in my seat to the familiar intro of “Tulsa Time” and couldn’t help but imagine Pop driving along some highway somewhere across the USA, looking forward to being home with his family. He spent most of his work years as a pipeline welder for Local 798, based in Tulsa, OK. He traveled all over the United States to work the jobs that would best provide for his family, just waiting to set his watch back to Tulsa Time, which also happened to be the time zone in which his entire family resided. He worked very long days in dry deserts, humid coastal areas and even north of the Arctic Circle on the Alaskan Pipeline. He set such a wonderful example of work ethic for all of us and like so many other gifts given to me by my grandparents, it took years for me to realize what an impact it would have on my own life.

I found myself becoming more relaxed, the stress melting away, as I heard the opening lines of “Lord, I Hope This Day is Good.” I thought of the faith of my Mi-mommy, a great example of a Christian wife, mother, grandmother and friend. She trusted in God and His wisdom always seeking to live a life pleasing to Him. In the process, her faithfulness led her children, grandchildren and husband to Christ. Her entire being was wrapped around her faith in God and she spoke easily and freely of spiritual things. She was prayerful about every aspect of life and always asked in faith; her example will always be with me and I know that when I ask God for a good day, He is there to help me through.

By the time I reached my destination, I had listened to more than twenty Don Williams songs. I couldn’t stay in another time and place forever because I had appointments to make and deadlines to meet. I did, however, bring something back with me. I came back to the present feeling important, fearless, confident, upbeat, vivacious, jovial, faithful and ready to work hard. Although my Mi-mommy passed away nearly 4 years ago and my Pop is journeying through the foggy night of Alzheimer’s Disease, the memories I have continue to bless my life. Thank you, Pop. Thank you, Mi-mommy. Thank you, Don Williams.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Eat, Pray: heart-shaped sandwiches and love

Anytime my daughter carries a packed lunch, you can be sure of two things. It will contain a sandwich made with whole grain bread and said sandwich will be shaped like a heart...or a flower...or a fish. I can't stand the thought of sending her off with a square or circular sandwich or even a square slice of cheese. Sometimes I build an entire theme, like a fish shaped sandwich swimming in a blueberry sea. I've even done 2am searches on Pinterest for the coolest bento boxes for kids; while my Southern upbringing and Future Homemakers of America days fully prepared me for pound cakes and dumplings, those Mickey Mouse bentos look like they would require at least a year of culinary training. Since I have trouble finding time to paint my toenails, the year of culinary training is definitely out.

I know it is just lunch, but I come from a long line of people who express love through food. My own working mother would get up in the morning and pack me a lunch of turkey and mustard on saltine crackers. I didn't eat bread, and after finding a big hunk of a buttery cheese substance in my spaghetti I had sworn off the tray lunch in the cafeteria. I took my lunches for granted then; you tend to take a lot of things for granted when you are raises by Super Mom. Now I look back and can feel the love my own mother had for me and I think of it every time I am wasting bread edges and cutting out that sandwich with a cookie cutter.

It sounds sweet, right? Does my child really care? Probably not. So why do I care so much? Since I became a working mom, I have become obsessed with doing all I can to make every day special and to ensure that, while someone else is actually sitting next to her during lunch, there is some sign of "Mama" at the lunch table. It has become my coping mechanism. The daycare deposit pales in comparison to the start up costs I brought on myself. She needed a mat? I wanted to make sure she had a coordinating pillow, blanket and nap mat cover with her name embroidered somewhere on it. She had to have her name on her water bottle. Sure, a Sharpie makes sense, but instead I was drawn to these personalized bands that wrap around the bottle. I stressed about every last detail before her first day and I don't really think she cares. I do.

I don't have time for therapy, but after hours spent on the road for my job I have finally determined the reason for my obsession with heart-shaped sandwiches and personalized nap mat covers. It is the same reason I come home tired from work but drags self to the park or to blow bubbles in the back yard, the reason I want every second I am with Lily to be quality. It's the same reason I forget the quiet moments are important, too. I absolutely hate missing that time during the day and I grasping at ways to make the most of the time I do have. It's how I cope.

In the end, does it make me a better mom? No. Could I put away the heart cookie cutter tomorrow without Lily even taking notice? Probably. Will I do that? No way. I need it, and I hope one day she looks at that sandwich and realizes that I made it just for her, just the way she likes it, with sun butter, jelly and a mother's love. Like the turkey and mustard crackers.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Love: Heart-Shaped Crayons

It is 1 AM and I am still awake. Why? Oh, because I want my two year-old, who barely understands Valentine's Day, to have something really cool and handmade to give to her friends at church. Chances are that, while these are non-edible, the kids will eat them; no worries, I spent the extra 20 cents and picked up the non-toxic crayons for this DIY heart-shaped crayon project.

Here's a quick tutorial for heart-shaped crayons...

Unwrap lots of crayons. I used five crayons for each heart.

Preheat your oven to 275.

Break your crayons into 3-4 pieces and fill silicone heart-shaped baking cups.

Bake in the oven at 275 for 10-12 minutes.

Remove from oven and allow to cool completely.

Once crayons have cooled completely, pop them out of the baking cups, admire your work and go to bed.

And the summary....

Eat, Love: Homemade Baby Food

It all started with mommy guilt. When Lily got ready for solid foods I had just gone back to work part time. Somehow, in my working mom insanity I decided that my child would feel more loved if her baby food was made from fresh foods rather than mass produced and served in a jar. Believe me, nearly two years later I fully realize just how ridiculous that sounds. Honestly, I knew it sounded ridiculous at the time. Instead of saying, "I am making my daughter's baby food because I feel guilty for working" I would say, "I've been doing some reading and I have decided to make Lily's baby food so I can avoid all the preservatives, ensure the food she is eating is fresh and save money."

In the end, making Lily's baby food did save money. One dollar buys a pound of green beans, which then becomes 16-1oz. servings of baby food. Two dollars worth of sweet potatoes made pounds of baby food! We also bypassed the preservatives and, at this point in her life she loves fresh fruits and veggies. Also, after reading labels I found that many of the baby foods at the store were not as nutritious as the high fiber, vitamin-rich foods I was making at home. The homemade food also made us more more comfortable with giving Lily the (nutritious) foods we were eating and helped her enjoy herbs and spices we would not find in the big name baby foods. Oh, and it worked wonders on the mommy guilt.

The surprising part? It was not as time consuming as I had anticipated. I would cook 4-5 pounds of sweet potatoes in the crock pot while I was at work during the day, then puree them and have them in the freezer. The actual time I spent preparing the sweet potatoes amounted to about 15 minutes. Halved peaches and a pyrex dish with a little water perfectly prepared peaches for baby food prep. Purees freeze very well in ice trays, and each cube in the tray is about 1 oz. When the purees have frozen, you can pop them out and store them in freezer bags labeled with each type of food. They thaw easily in the microwave and can be stored in the freezer for several months.

There are lots of cool baby food gadgets on the market, but you can prepare homemade baby food with just a few items that can be found in most any household. Once the food is cooked in a way that is appropriate for that food, you only need a blender to puree the food, ice trays to freeze the food and freezer bags to store the food. If you are like me and preparing food for the people you love is equivalent to actually telling them you love them, then preparing homemade foods for your baby will be totally fulfilling. Feel free to post any questions in the comments section. Also, check out http://wholesomebabyfood.momtastic.com for great health guidelines, food recommendations by age, recipes and more!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Eat, Love: Organic Foods on a Budget

My grocery bill is getting higher and higher. I owe it all to Netflix. I am a documentary junkie, and Netflix has a ton of them available on demand. One night I was looking for a good one to watch, and I came across Food, Inc. That's when my grocery bill began getting higher and higher. A look behind the scenes of America's food supply is sad, sobering and just really gross. I had smelled the feed lots of West Texas and the chicken houses of East Texas, but the glance of the inside I got from Food, Inc. had an impact on me.

I can't blame it all on Netflix. When Lily came along I began analyzing every factor of our lives, and food was one of those. We decided to start using beef and milk without added hormones as a first step. Study after study shows the age of the onset of puberty dropping; studies are not absolutely conclusive, but more and more evidence supports the idea that we are shortening childhood with the added hormones in our beef and milk. These added hormones make our dairy cows produce more milk and they make our slaughter cows get really big, really fast, but do we really want these hormones going into our kids? Just a side note: most other meats and animal product, like pork, poultry, and eggs, are free of added hormones due to government regulation.

I managed to move on from meat to produce. I was pretty sure I wanted to cut out pesticides along with the hormones. However, I didn't want to cut out hormones, pesticides and electricity; after looking at the prices on many organic foods I realized the electricity might just have to go if we were going to pay our big fat organic grocery bill. That's when I came across the Environmental Working Group's Dirty Dozen, the list of foods that contain the highest levels of pesticide residue. By purchasing organic on these twelve items, you can reduce your intake of pesticide residue by 80%. Here's the list:

The Dirty Dozen

1. Apples

2. Celery

3. Strawberries

4. Peaches

5. Spinach

6. Nectarines

7. Grapes

8. Sweet bell peppers

9. Potatoes

10. Blueberries

11. Lettuce

12. Kale/collard greens

EWG also has a list of foods with very low pesticide residue. These foods, called the Clean 15, are listed below and, in the opinion of your humble blogger and her bank account, are not worth paying those organic prices.

Clean 15

1. Onions

2. Sweet Corn

3. Pineapples

4. Avocado

5. Asparagus

6. Sweet peas

7. Mangoes

8. Eggplant

9. Cantaloupe

10. Kiwi

11. Cabbage

12. Watermelon

13. Sweet potatoes

14. Grapefruit

15. Mushrooms

Hope this helps! In the end, just do your homework and do the best you can by your family. Happy shopping!

For more information on foods and pesticides, check out http://www.ewg.org/foodnews/list/

Friday, January 27, 2012

Eat, Love: Flatout Pizza

If you are like me, you are often discouraged by the nutritional value of most quick and easy recipes. It seems like you pay a price with inexpensive and easy to prepare foods. Sometimes it feels like you have to sacrifice nutrition for convenience. As a busy mom who values healthy eating habits for her toddler, I find myself searching for meals that can be prepared in a short amount of time while also packing some nutritional punch. Oh, and they have to taste good. :)

A staple in our kitchen for healthy and convenient snacks and meals is the Flatout Wrap. The Flatout Wrap is a nutritious, low carb, high fiber, trans fat-free flatbread that can be used in so many ways. The obvious use is to wrap up anything that would normally go between two slices of bread, but there are so many other great uses. In our house, we love to use Flatouts to make pizza. Here are a couple of different ways to enjoy a pizza using Flatout wraps. Please note that there are many varieties of Flatouts, but we usually go for the Light Original. These contain 9 grams of fiber and only 90 calories per wrap.

Flatout Plain Jane Pizza

Flatout Wrap

Olive oil

1/4 c. Pizza Sauce

1/2c. Reduced Fat Shredded Mozzarella Cheese

Any pizza toppings you choose

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Put Flatout Wrap on a cookie sheet, brush with olive oil and bake for 7 minutes. Remove from oven and spread sauce on wrap. Add cheese and other toppings, then bake at 350 until cheese is melted. At our house, one pizza serves one person.

Tex-Mex Flatout Thin Crust Pizza

1 Flatout Light Wrap
1 tsp olive oil cooking spray
1/4 lb extra lean ground beef
2 Tbs taco seasoning
2 Tbs water
2 Tbs salsa
1/4 cup shredded 2% Mexican blend cheese
Shredded lettuce
1/4 cup diced tomatoes
1 Tbs fat free sour cream

On stove, brown ground beef in a skillet over medium-high heat; drain. Stir in taco seasoning and water; cook 2-3 minutes or until liquid absorbed. Cook lightly oiled Flatout in 350°F oven directly on grate for 7 minutes. On the Flatout, layer salsa, meat and cheese. Top with lettuce, a dollop of sour cream and tomatoes. Return to oven and cook 7 more minutes. Remove and cut into wedges.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Love: Favorite Toddler iPad Apps

I really like my iPad, but my child is what I would call passionate about the iPad. Sometimes she wakes up in the morning and the first words from her mouth are "iPad" and "muffin."
At first I was a little hesitant to let her play with it. I wasn't even worried about the obvious "toddlers break things" issue; I worried about what it might do to her brain. I even googled "toddler iPad brain" to find out if I was going to mess up the child. Her chants only got louder. "Hipad! Hipad! Hipad!" I finally decided there must be some way this little gadget could be an educational tool. I downloaded a Sesame Street episode about good eating habits and within a couple of days she was begging for yogurt instead of ice cream.Best of all, this iPad was God's gift to parents on road trips or the commute to work.
I started downloading apps that could teach Lily her ABCs, colors, shapes, Bible stories and anything else I thought could be beneficial to her. It is overwhelming how many apps are available. We have tried many, but there are a few that she goes back to again and again. Here are my Top 5 picks for toddlers:

1. Monkey Preschool Lunchbox- So at first I was not sure about this app. It looked fun, colorful and had some catchy music, but I was skeptical about the educational potential. Then I watched Lily play. When it asked her to touch the green fruit, she touched the green fruit. She counted the fruit. She did anything that little monkey asked, all in hopes of getting a little virtual sticker for her virtual sticker board. It's bright, it is colorful and it has enough variety in the activity types and levels that it will keep toddlers enteretained for a very long time. Cost: 99 cents

2. My Bible To Go - This is a great Bible learning app for kids! It has simplified Bible stories that are read to the child while they look at corresponding pictures. It can grow with your child, too! As your child learns to read, they can record their own readings of the stories. Cost: 99 cents

3. Dr. Seuss's ABCs - Really fun app for learning the ABCs for Lily, nice sentimental value for Mommy. Even with all the cool graphics out there, I will always have a place in my heart for the look of classic Dr. Seuss. It is basically a digital interactive version of an awesome book. Cost: $3.99

4. Toddler Counting- I love this counting app. It has fresh looking graphics and is really clean looking, which sets it apart from the hundreds of other counting apps. When your toddler taps the items on the page, it says the number AND shows the number. My child often skips "6," but not with this app. Cost: 99 cents for full app, FREE for lite version

5. ZooZoo Safari- Fun little app that my child loves. It has 26 animals, starting with letters A to Z. You can tap the animal for the sound it makes and to watch it in action. Tapping the name of the animal tells you the name while spelling it out. Cost: FREE